Basketball FEVER!

Before you read on, it is a good time to revisit this post and this post.
_________________

A few conversations around our house.

1.
He says,  "I know what you are going to say to this but let me just get this out of my system.  Can you buy me some Warriors clothes?"
I am at a loss of words, but it doesn't matter... because I am in splits!
(By the way he is talking about using the money he has earned through chores, by winning a Math olympiad contest prize, etc.)

2.
Aditya: "Baba, do you want tea?"
I love tea, but I just had my tea, so I say no.
Aditya asks, "Do you want something else?"  with a MISCHIEVOUS look on his face.
I say: "No, but thanks for asking, Aditya.  Do you want something?"

He did.  He wanted to watch a basketball game recording.
(Apparently he had used up his screen time for the day, and was trying to BRIBE me.  This is huge... reminds me of our celebrations when he told his first lie:)

3.
He is telling us about his day at school.  He has been playing basketball everyday now, and regularly making significant contributions for his team, either in the form of "assists" or by scoring points (usually "layups").  He almost blushes as he shares how one of his teammates called him a "layup master" today.

4.
He is telling us about his day at school.  The ONLY thing he talks about today is how he played basketball with the other boys.

5.
He is telling us about his day at school.  He thinks he has been improving a lot AFTER the basketball games (in which he played for the B team for his school).  Today, one of the A team boys remarked, "Dude your speed of improvement is unnatural!"

6.
It is 10AM on a weekend.  We have just had breakfast. Aditya asks, "Can I go play basketball?" and expresses disappointment when we say no (it's going to be a hot day).

7.
Aditya:
"Shreya, can we go play basketball?"
Shreya:
No!  I need to do my homework.

8.  We have to repeatedly remind Aditya not to play basketball in the backyard as it destroys our newly planted vegetables!

9.
Aditya, Aai, and Baba are watching NBA finals
He and Baba are rooting for the "Golden Gate Warriors" team.  Aai decides to be playful and root for the opposite team, the Cavs.
"Warriors" clinch a dramatic win in the final moments of the game.
Aditya shows Aai a "thumbs down" and makes a face!   This is a first... for Aditya:)
He also asks Baba for a "chest bump" to celebrate the Warriors' victory!  This is a first... for Aditya and Baba:)

________________

And now... to put this in perspective... read this post from January 2010

Math Olympiad 2017

It was a weekend, and like last year I was dropping off Aditya and Shreya at their Math Olympiad class contest.  This was a contest available to all (hundreds of... although I don't know the exact number) students... who attend Mr. G's Math Olympiad classes in our city. 

Mr G is a fantastic teacher who loves Math and loves kids.  He also loves coming up with outlandish math problems (e.g. My grandma bikes at 800 mph so how long will it take her to bike from San Francisco to New York... which by the way is an over-simplification of one of his incredibly funny word problems.)

Each of the students (ranging from grade 4 to 8) could take any one of 4 levels of tests, progressively increasing in difficulty from level 1 to 4..

Aditya had taken level#2 last year and placed 3rd along with his friend N.

This year, both Aditya and Shreya were appearing for level#2.  Aditya was anxious about keeping his "rank" from last year, if not improving it.  Shreya was anxious because her brother is known as the "Math wizard" and she hates being compared to him. 

I dropped them off, and returned about 1.5 hours later when the results were being announced.  Mr G shared that there were 12 problems on the 1 hour test, and the first 3 prize winners correctly responded to 8, 7, and 6 problems respectively.  Shreya got 5.  (Woo Hoo!  Her confidence has reached new highs!)

What about Aditya?  He too, had gotten 5 problems right and hence, not placed.

He looked unhappy... even distraught. 

He barely put together the energy to ask Mr G: "When is the next test going to begin?"

Here, by "next test", we do not mean the test that was going to happen next month or next year!  We are talking about level#3 test, which was going to be held in about 15 minutes! (He had already decided that he was going to take level#2 and if allowed, also level#3on the same day.  We knew that already.  But what we didn't know is he would want to take level#3 AFTER not having won a prize in level#2.)

"Are you sure you want to do this  Aditya?" asked Mr G lovingly and firmly.

Aditya replied affirmatively, shoved down the snack he had brought from home and then rushed inside for the test. 

As decided we came back 1.5 hours later.  We were thinking Aditya was going to be super exhausted from answering 24 increasingly challenging Math problems over 3 hours.  I looked at him as he was sitting next to his friend M.  He looked composed.

The results were announced.

And as you might have guessed it by now, Aditya placed 3rd.  This time, he got 7 out of 12 problems right!

His expression was priceless as he picked up his "prize" from Mr. G!

Kudos to our hero for his positive attitude, his perseverance, and his passion for Math!  (And kudos to Shreya too for doing so well on her test!)

You shouldn’t ground me because...

When I was in my teens, I sometimes wished that I had a twin sibling or in the least, a sister. Someone who I would not need to talk to. Someone who would just understand. Who I would share a room with, share secrets with, share my life with! I didn't realize how being so close meant we would be getting on each others nerves constantly! Little did I understand that this security in a relationship would also possibly lead to tensions, arguments and hurt feelings. I say this as I experience my kids going through everything I just mentioned above.

Last week, words led to bickering, teasing to annoying and finally, finger pointing to a punch. OUCH! The twins were let off with a stern warning. As the same sequence repeated itself the next day, Aditya was given a consequence: he would have to stay home from his (most anticipated) basketball game. I was at my wits end, stretched thin and not thinking straight. The kindness competition was not working any more! To cool myself down, I went out for a walk. When I got back, Aditya was in tears. He sheepishly said sorry and asked me to check my emails. Here is what I saw in my inbox:

As I have worked to improve at many things, you can see, I persevere. I take feedback and try to improve, even when sometimes I just don’t do it. I have gone through many stages, and I have came away with pride. I hope that you do not ground me because of yesterday and today, because when I tried yesterday, I improved today, and what pushes me forward is awful setbacks. But with too much punishment, I get angrier and this sometimes makes me do more, even though I remember that I could get punished. I love Shreya, am sincere, and try hard. Plus, there are other, less harsh, still effective punishments for this. So please, please, don’t punish me.

The first reason that you shouldn’t punish me this way is that I love Shreya. Me and Shreya have had hard times, but as you know, we are family. You can see the love between us when we lift each other up, say “mwaaaa” like babies, and how we made up with each other last night. Today she proposed to come up with alternative punishments, and I really love her because of that. When we punch each other, our judgement is clouded, and we are both sincere children and we always try hard. Maybe recently we have gone through phases, but one thing you should understand is that everyone, even you, have gone through phases. There are so many factors driving what we do, but we are all humans, and we two aren’t these psychos who should go to juvenile court, regular prison, Guantanamo Bay, or even be executed. I know that we are strict, but that doesn’t mean we punish in instigating ways. Be a good role model! I know I am being a hypocrite, but I work on what I need to work on, as you will see in the paragraph after the next paragraph.

The second reason that you shouldn’t ground me is that I am sincere. You personally say that. I have worked hard to get to where I am in math, and I work a lot to improve my basketball playing skills. I didn’t just quit basketball because I’m the worst basketball player of the 5th grade boys and I’m on the B Team. I won’t quit basketball after this season. Same applies here. Even though I punched Shreya, I didn’t give up trying to be nice. I shouldn’t have, but at least I am honest! I punched her at 5:00 today too, I know, and I condemn that. But it is the setbacks that push us forward if we think of the setbacks and correct the problems that caused them. For example, FDR, our 32nd president, made some changes to make sure that problems contributing to the Great Depression would be corrected. Since I am sincere, I am writing this.

The last and foremost reason you shouldn’t ground me is because there are some effective, less harsh punishments. For example, I have no computer time left because I wrote this essay. For example, I am willing not to use the computer and have fun by taking advantage of the spring sun and what else there is in the house.

As you can see, I hope you don’t punish me this way because I love Shreya, am hardworking, and I am sincere. Also, there are some other punishments that I can remember, too but aren’t so harsh. I promise I will be nice to her and always think first. I hope you are fine with this essay’s content.

For the record, he gets 15 minutes of screen/ computer time daily, which he is free to use as he likes. He said that he couldn't edit it and make it more effective because his 15 minutes were up :)  Also, I couldn't stop myself from rolling in laughter after reading this 'essay' and we negotiated a consequence acceptable to everyone in the family.

For New Families looking into Son-Rise

We are introduced to a couple new autism families almost every month. Some have been in the boat for a while and heard of Son-Rise, while some are too overwhelmed with the diagnosis and are yet to start looking into treatment options. Most have heard of Aditya's recovery and we notice a pattern in the questions being asked. Most pertain to the Son-Rise intensive, Son-Rise advanced training programs, schooling and diet.

While the staff at SonRise might be able to help families with their unique situation, I would like to share my thoughts on why each is helpful, based on our experience.

• The Son-Rise startup was the most powerful program, that introduced us to the concepts of Son-Rise. It gave us the tools needed to get our home based program going. It covered the developmental model, basic techniques and attitude to get us started. We had breakout sessions depending on the level of functioning of the child, so each group could focus on issues pertaining to where our child was.  We also found it to be a wonderful opportunity to connect to other parents in similar situations.
• Maximum Impact and New Frontiers were both game changers for us. 
     After Baba got back from New Frontiers, we had a renewed understanding of how to use the developmental model, so our program got clear, specific goals. We started becoming more creative with designing games and activities for the playroom and introducing them so they had a higher probability of being accepted 😂 
     Maximum Impact took us way up ⏫ there, attitudinally! We became powerful forces of nature, ready to take on the world. We recruited volunteers fearlessly, gave effective feedback, ran more meaningful and fun team meetings. All of this translated to a child who grew by leaps and bounds and left us scrambling to re-evaluate our goals every month. 
• We had regular Feedback/ Video Feedback sessions with Son-Rise teachers. We got valuable feedback about our attitude and/or techniques in the playroom. These helped us get answers to specific questions. eg, in the initial days, despite knowing the basics and having the correct attitude and techniques, we felt that something was amiss. Turned out, we were not challenging him enough! These feedback sessions were a  tremendous help in keeping our program on track.
• The Son-Rise Intensive! This is the most asked about program, especially by new families. We would like to emphasise that it is not a pill that you/ your child take to recover. Far from that, it is just a window into the infinite opportunities you and your child have for fun, interaction and growth inside and outside the playroom. Most parents are eagerly looking forward to doing their intensive, soon after their startup. But our opinion: Please do NOT rush to do the intensive and here is why...
    The Intensive is a time for your child to enjoy and grow in the playroom for the entire week. It is also when both parents are stretched attitudinally. The intensive week is tailored to each family's need. The Son-Rise staff starts teaching you at the point you are at. So if they sense that you are not clear about the fundamentals, that is where they start! You do not want to spend all the money and go there to learn what you could learn at one of the advanced trainings, AKA, New Frontiers or Maximum Impact. We would recommend that both parents complete at least one of the advanced trainings and be comfortable with option process dialogues before their intensive, to get the most out of it. It is also a good idea to have some feedback sessions to understand what you could do better, as the teachers are so experienced that they can help without even seeing the child.
• Space your training programs, video feedback/dialog sessions, intensive program(s) in a way that you keep getting something new every time you take that program or get that session.  It is like making trips back to the attitudinal gas station (petrol pump, if you are in India) periodically. 
• How do I know that SRP will work for me? Try it out! Attend the startup, read Son-Rise books.  Some of the books we recommend reading:
1. Happiness is a choice, By Barry Neil Kaufman
2. What you can do right now to help your child with autism, By Jonathan Levy
3. Autism Breakthrough: The Groundbreaking Method That Has Helped Families All Over the World, By Raun Kaufman
  We shared the first two with all our volunteers. Raun's book was published towards the end of our program.
   NOTE: I have heard a parent get advice from another parent who is currently doing Son-Rise, to try it out by recruiting volunteers. I would say this is a big NO! Here is why: The volunteers in a Son-Rise Program  help facilitate the child, based on your training, your knowledge and your feedback. When you begin your program, you are still in the learning phase. When you attend the Son-Rise startup, you will learn how to recruit volunteers, train them and give them effective feedback, so that you don't end up  running your program with "Babysitters"!

He is experienced at this craft!

Baba and Aditya are at the farmer's market.  We are buying oranges.  Baba is picking one orange at a time, carefully looking at it from all angles, then making a decision.

Aditya is watching.

For a minute.  No, must have been 10 seconds.

Then he says, "Let me do this."

In the next 1 minute, he has picked so many (good) oranges, Baba is stunned, and has no real motivation to keep doing his part.

"How come you are doing it so fast?" asks Baba.

"From experience!  I juice oranges everyday for Aai so I can tell which ones are good just from the touch."

WOW!

As someone has said:
"I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand."


Ohh, and those oranges we bought... here they are:

Simplifying it for you, Aai!

Basketball season is on! League practices, league games, school practices, school games, evening practices, weekend games... phew! We are all breathing and living basketball in the house. Both kids practice every evening at the neighborhood school and come home to tell me their stories. I have never been into basketball and didn't really get a lot of terms they used. But I was the most enthusiastic listener they could have. Since I asked some of the most basic questions over and over, they gave me a detailed drawing of the court and positions, asking me to study it.

Yesterday, Aditya was telling me how he wanted to get better by the next season so he could be the shooting guard.
Me: "Why don't you like being the post?"
A: "Too much work and no credit!"
Me: "What does that mean?"
A: "I don't think you really understand the positions, do you?"
Me: "Well, I studied the diagram!"
A: "That is not really understanding what happens on court! Let me explain in a way you can understand!
Do you remember how we went to your friend's house in India last year? Her maid did all the work chopping veggies, grinding masala, making rotis while your friend chatted with you. Then Aunty went inside, made the tadka, garnished food with coriander leaves and served lunch. She got the credit for the sumptuous lunch while the poor maid didn't get any credit.
Similarly, the post does all the work in basketball, but the Shooting guard gets all the credit!"

Hmmm!

Growing up to be a good and kind cook!

During part of our staycation, the kids asked me to take a vacation from cooking this winter break. Sister came up with the idea of cooking one meal daily so I can catch up with some half done projects around the house. Wanting to do his bit, Aditya decided to share the cooking with her. But they are at a stage where they can't go more than a few minutes without getting into arguments:) So it was decided that they would work alternate days.
Sister cooked a delicious lunch yesterday. Wanting to outdo her (his big motivation, of late), he cooked a lunch of daal and rice, with steamed green beans on the side. I really enjoyed this simple meal he planned and executed perfectly.
 And a big thanks for keeping the kitchen mess free and cleaning up after cooking! Rock on, Chef!

Taking care.. of me, you and us!

As we neared the winter break, our family began thinking of ways to spend our time doing what we loved.  Both kids unanimously voted to have a staycation. When further prodded, we realized that they just wanted to laze around and take it easy. They argued that it was the best way to take care of themselves! Aai and Baba love driving to So Cal this time of the year, as they miss warm weather. Over the years, we have visited most places between San Luis Obispo and San Diego multiple times. We needed to take care of ourselves too!
So we reached a compromise and decided to laze around for a few days and visit Santa Barbara for the rest. After all, the weather promised to be gorgeous!

As I excitedly told a friend about our vacation, she wondered how we had taken all these vacations, while still running the SonRise program. Wasn't it against the SonRise Principles to get the child out of the playroom? What we understand and believe is a little different, hence this post.

Taking care of a family with two little kids, having a job, volunteering at school, recruiting volunteers, giving them weekly feedback, doing dialogues, having a special diet is fun but exhausting. We realized early on that we were in this for the long haul. We had to be in the best of health, physical and mental, to go to the finish line. This meant making 'taking care of ourselves' our highest priority. When we were happy, rested and rejuvenated, we were better equipped to care for our kids and each other.

Some of the more important things we focussed on were:
1. Letting one spouse take some time off to do something they loved. Those few hours, would be free of autism worries, so research, talking to other parents about SonRise, diet, etc was off limits. This gave us a chance to connect to ourselves. Also, after a few hours away from the problem, we might just come back with a fresh perspective.

2. Couple time. We often paid our volunteers to babysit so we could go out for dinner and/or a movie. Though challenging initially, we were determined to talk to each other about anything but autism. The weeks when we did not go out, we caught up on movies at home after the kids went to bed.

3. We also did a lot of Option process dialogues with each other, to help us explore our mental blocks and fears. These were not always related to SonRise but to us, as individuals.

4. We did our best to do one-on-one time with our daughter every weekend. She either got 1:1 playtime from mom/dad or we went out to a place of her choice. It ranged from going to a bookstore or library to an ice cream shop or the park. The important part was that she got undivided attention from the parent she was with.  There were times both parents played with her while brother was in the playroom with a volunteer. She still fondly remembers these occasions when she felt like an only child... what a privilege! For the record, she still LOVES these "only child" times when she gets to walk to the nearby Trader Joe's with both parents giving her their undivided attention while brother takes his guitar lessons

5. Doing the SonRise program helped us understand the situations which were not conducive to Aditya's growth. So we avoided taking him to places that were not absolutely necessary, like grocery stores, malls, get-togethers, birthday parties and such social events.
BUT.. 
We took him outdoors, like biking, on walks, hikes, to the park or even the zoo! We found times when the places were almost empty, like the parks on Sunday mornings, the zoo on weekday afternoons, biking late in the afternoon. Our motivation in taking him out was to give him an opportunity to: enjoy the outdoors, appreciate the beauty of nature, exercise, acquaint himself with equipment we could not provide him at home (like the climbing wall, play structure). He also had the opportunity to interact with a couple kids who might be around and put to use the skills he learnt in the playroom, if he so wished! Doing these at times when these places (which are otherwise overwhelming) are calm, helped him feel more in control, as he had just one challenge to work on at a time. eg, there were just a few kids when we visited the zoo at 3pm. Most young families who come to the zoo in the morning are done by then. So we did not have to encounter screaming toddlers, kids who chased each other, yelling adults and a cacophony of sounds too overwhelming for him. Handling the smell in the zoo was a sensory challenge in itself. Trying out new equipment in the giant play structure nestled in the redwoods with slides, swings, ropes and climbing areas was a new experience. Once he started feeling successful, he showed more willingness to try other things. He also had an opportunity to practice some precious lessons in turn taking, since sister had her list of things to do. Where would I be without my best friend, the timer, on such occasions :)

6. Like I mentioned earlier, we took many family vacations. We would have loved to take vacations with family or friends, but that was not the right thing considering our family needs at the time.
 Our trips were always within driving distance and we carried/ made all our meals. We enjoyed listening to audio books together. These were the predictable parts of the vacation. To make it easier at the destination, we took vacations with a very flexible itinerary. Along with doing something unique to the place, we visited familiar locations like the beach, hiking trails, parks and oh yes, Zoos! (On these trips, we saw a much calmer and well adjusted boy because he had exercised those social muscles before!)
We wanted it to be a very positive experience for every member of the family, so

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— 
I took the one less traveled by, 
And that has made all the difference."